You can say to all your friends and your employers that "I work
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. If you happen to die while at work, (usually caused by over work) then that days pay will be deducted as well a cost for out inconvenience. NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 800 to 810, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 810 to 820 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the cubical door open.
You are required to bring your own dog food to feed the guard dog. We will not pay for your pet.
A reminder It is the responsibility of ALL, (old Bob), security to make sure no members of staff escape, I mean leave early. You need to watch all ten gates at once.
All calls will be monitored and recorded. Don't waste time asking the customer if the have any complaints, of course they do!!, File these in the new storage facility marked rubbish bin.
Your working hours will be reduced to 25 hours a week. All other time your here, ( because you love the WORKING environment ), should be classes as TRAINING for which we make a small charge or 25% of your GROSS pay.
You need to bring your own pens, paper, CD-ROMs, staplers, ink, etc. Once brought through the factory door the become the property of the Employer.
Being this, is not allowed
We have a strict NO SMOCKING policy and anyone found
smoking will be classed as being ON FIRE and will be hosted down with a fire
hose, they will then be charged for the water.
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay slip
Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
County tax £11.61
National tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Down tax £1.11
Carpet tacks £0.98
Show tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Coffee Cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union fees £5.85
Union don'ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Greenwich Mean Time £54.83
Central European Time £9.00
Off Centre time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
High time £6.00
Time Out £12.21
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Net Take Home Pay £0.02
These are calculated based in the rate of inflation, (in the year 1000 BC when the used pebbles as payment.)
Your union "KAROSHI" is very welcome, ( because this gives use someone else to blame when things go wrong as stops us having to listen to you whine of about issues.)
It is not true that your Union Leader is related to the BOSS or that they have just received a 26% pay rise.. (Nephew Robert only received only 24% this month, the rest was in a share issue.)
This is only for donations of money and should not be used for anything else.
The clock-on/clock-off times are subject to OUR interpretation. For example starting work early is acceptable but this does not entitle you to finish early. You will not be paid for early starts but will be deduced for an finish early.
You need to be willing to bend over backwards.
You will be allowed one Sunday between the hours of 02:30 and 03:00, (early morning) on one Sunday once a year. All holidays must be arranged 3 Years in advance and you must find other staff who are willing to cover for you. When travelling you need to take leaflets promoting the company and tell everyone how brilliant it is to work here. (Even the Boss does not have this level of time off, see the section Management).
Your boss is NOT a fat cat, she/he only gets 1% in wages more than you... (Her/His Mansion, Rolls Royce and 6 months holiday a year, stocks and shares are all part of the difficult, stressful and demanding job he has to do). Just look at the number of Business Meetings in the South of France he's done ON YOUR BEHALF this year.
You must tell at lease 25 people a day, in your own
time, about the high quality of services, products great prices that our company
provide. If we even think we don't like you, for example because you are; too
old, too young, not enough knowledge, ill, pregnant, have a cold,
have an off-day, are over 5 minutes late once, etc then that shows you are NOT
LOYAL and is subject to instant dismissal with the contents of you desk, locker
being auctioned off.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere
Please read our warnings page about seeking employment.
Jokes about employment issues :)